I’ve been all over the place this week.
Emotionally. Spiritually. Mentally.
I’ve found myself laughing and rejoicing, excited and giddy and adventurous and faith-filled and timid and comfortable, doubt-filled and angry and frustrated and tears in my eyes.
My heart feels as complicated as one of those balls of twine, or even a rubiks cube or algebra.
I’m going to be honest.
I’m going to be raw. And real.
And it’s really hard to do that right now.
I am frustrated with things in my life, like my jobs and my relationships and my time.
I am confused as to where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be.
I feel lost.
I feel like I’m wandering in a foreign country unable to read a map and speak the language and find a friend.
Yet at the same time I feel full of joy and even contentment and a scarce flicker of resilience.
I wish that I could pour out the entirety of my heart to you, the wandering and wayside and rebellion and faithfulness of my soul. I wish I could articulate the specifics of what I’m feeling and fighting for and where I am going and even arriving.
But that would just be silly, because you don’t know the places and people and happenings of this little corner of the world.
What I do want to convey, my sister, is that for so long I think I’ve tried and even succeeded in holding it all together.
And maybe I even convinced myself and believed that I did have it all together.
Right now, in this moment, in a flicker of faith in my heart, I am admitting to you, to myself, and to God, that I am in fact lost and a mess, wayside and wandering, stained and sinful, broken and brutal.
And I’ve never felt more free.
I have always felt like anything other than perfection and joyous words and a tame life was a burden to people, to my community, to my friends and my family.
I felt like if I was real, if I ever dared to expose a broken and dirty and clanking part of my heart that I would be stood up, left, and frightfully unaccepted.
I’ve always been the one to pour my heart out, and then say, “Sorry for exposing all of that.”
I’ve excitedly talked about my passions, and then said, “Sorry for rambling.”
I’ve cried and snorted while laughing and yelled and then said, “Sorry for all my emotions.”
I’ve been late and loud and have too many things and a mind that is going here and there, and I’ve said, “Sorry for being such a mess.”
I never gave myself permission to be real, to be raw and deep and true.
I somehow thought in my mind that love indeed was unconditional, yet believed in my heart that it was not.
Oh, my sister, how freeing to admit that I am barely bound together and that the string is fragile yet divinely knit.
I am going to be giddy and excited, jumping and squealing; I am going to be hot-headed, angry and yelling in Spanish; I am going to be sorrowful and timid, tearing streaming down my cheeks; I am going to be passionate and life-giving and pouring out my soul.
And it’s all going to be so beautiful.
I am unapologetically myself.
I am going to think where my mind wanders; I am going to feel with deepest and most true caverns of my heart; I am going to pour out words and sayings. I’m going to hold none of it back, unleashing it all in a vibrant and God-adoring way.
And I’m never going to say, “Sorry” for doing so.
Sister, you are loved unconditionally.
You are loved with a love that is fiercer and that guns deeper than emotions, than upmost success and blatant failure, than the mountain high or valley depths.
Scream and cry and smile and shine and be passionate and fearful and giddy.
Jesus cried and wept; He flipped tables and stood for righteousness; He loved and gave and invited us in to the truest and most godly essence of humanity.
Let people into the beauty, the real and raw humanity, the God-created and designed thing that is your heart.
Be loved deeply; love covers a multitude of sins.
Be glad; there is wonderful joy ahead.
Be torn and sorrowful; people still wander in the domain of darkness.
Be thankful; every good and perfect gift is from Him.
Be resilient; He who started a good work in you will bring it to completion.
Be yearning and crying out; Jesus is coming soon, just a little longer and then we will be with Him.
Be in awe; He is making all things new.
Bring it all, your real and raw self and exposed heart to God, and empty yourself out. Pour out every last bit. And then, behold the beautiful silence, and just wait for Him to fill you up, to the point of overflow, with His love, His goodness and mercy and grace, strength and boldness.
With much, much love. And a heart and face bursting with emotion. –Melissa
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