Unapologetically Myself.

Sister.

I’ve been all over the place this week.

Emotionally. Spiritually. Mentally.

 

I’ve found myself laughing and rejoicing, excited and giddy and adventurous and faith-filled and timid and comfortable, doubt-filled and angry and frustrated and tears in my eyes.

My heart feels as complicated as one of those balls of twine, or even a rubiks cube or algebra.

 

I’m going to be honest.

I’m going to be raw. And real.

And it’s really hard to do that right now.

 

I am frustrated with things in my life, like my jobs and my relationships and my time.

I am confused as to where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be.

I feel lost.

I feel like I’m wandering in a foreign country unable to read a map and speak the language and find a friend.

Yet at the same time I feel full of joy and even contentment and a scarce flicker of resilience.

 

I wish that I could pour out the entirety of my heart to you, the wandering and wayside and rebellion and faithfulness of my soul. I wish I could articulate the specifics of what I’m feeling and fighting for and where I am going and even arriving.

But that would just be silly, because you don’t know the places and people and happenings of this little corner of the world.

What I do want to convey, my sister, is that for so long I think I’ve tried and even succeeded in holding it all together.

And maybe I even convinced myself and believed that I did have it all together.

 

Right now, in this moment, in a flicker of faith in my heart, I am admitting to you, to myself, and to God, that I am in fact lost and a mess, wayside and wandering, stained and sinful, broken and brutal.

And I’ve never felt more free.

 

I have always felt like anything other than perfection and joyous words and a tame life was a burden to people, to my community, to my friends and my family.

I felt like if I was real, if I ever dared to expose a broken and dirty and clanking part of my heart that I would be stood up, left, and frightfully unaccepted.

 

I’ve always been the one to pour my heart out, and then say, “Sorry for exposing all of that.”

I’ve excitedly talked about my passions, and then said, “Sorry for rambling.”

I’ve cried and snorted while laughing and yelled and then said, “Sorry for all my emotions.”

I’ve been late and loud and have too many things and a mind that is going here and there, and I’ve said, “Sorry for being such a mess.”

 

I never gave myself permission to be real, to be raw and deep and true.

I somehow thought in my mind that love indeed was unconditional, yet believed in my heart that it was not.

 

Oh, my sister, how freeing to admit that I am barely bound together and that the string is fragile yet divinely knit.

I am going to be giddy and excited, jumping and squealing; I am going to be hot-headed, angry and yelling in Spanish; I am going to be sorrowful and timid, tearing streaming down my cheeks; I am going to be passionate and life-giving and pouring out my soul.

And it’s all going to be so beautiful.

I am unapologetically myself.

I am going to think where my mind wanders; I am going to feel with deepest and most true caverns of my heart; I am going to pour out words and sayings. I’m going to hold none of it back, unleashing it all in a vibrant and God-adoring way.

And I’m never going to say, “Sorry” for doing so.

 

Sister, you are loved unconditionally.

Unconditionally.

You are loved with a love that is fiercer and that guns deeper than emotions, than upmost success and blatant failure, than the mountain high or valley depths.

Be real.

Scream and cry and smile and shine and be passionate and fearful and giddy.

Jesus cried and wept; He flipped tables and stood for righteousness; He loved and gave and invited us in to the truest and most godly essence of humanity.

Let people into the beauty, the real and raw humanity, the God-created and designed thing that is your heart.

 

Be loved deeply; love covers a multitude of sins.

Be glad; there is wonderful joy ahead.

Be torn and sorrowful; people still wander in the domain of darkness.

Be thankful; every good and perfect gift is from Him.

Be resilient; He who started a good work in you will bring it to completion.

Be yearning and crying out; Jesus is coming soon, just a little longer and then we will be with Him.

Be in awe; He is making all things new.

 

Bring it all, your real and raw self and exposed heart to God, and empty yourself out. Pour out every last bit. And then, behold the beautiful silence, and just wait for Him to fill you up, to the point of overflow, with His love, His goodness and mercy and grace, strength and boldness.

 

With much, much love. And a heart and face bursting with emotion. –Melissa

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29 thoughts on “Unapologetically Myself.

  1. This is really great! Thank you for the encouragement, sister to sister! I would like to pray for you if you don’t mind…

    Father, thank you for this beautiful women of God! Thank you that you have gifted her in creativity of writing to share your glory and goodness! Thank you for the awesome ways that you are using her, in a place that can be so dark. Thank you for your light Jesus! I pray, Holy Spirit, that you would continue to bless Melissa with strength for this day and the next. That you would flood and fill her so that she can continue to over flow her cup! In Jesus name, Amen.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! It’s almost like I was meant to read this beautiful message it’s been a really long week with my grandma passing away from a massive heart attack so suddenly that we are in such shock and my emotions have honestly been all over the place from crying my eyes out, laughing so hard That im crying and to even being so mad at God for taking her away! But I know that it was her time and I’m trying to continue on and remember all the amazing memories and lessons she taught me so I can continue to carry them on as well. But thank you so much for being REAL! It’s so hard to be honest sometimes but when you are that’s when the real change happens thank you once again you truly are a blessing and I will continue to pray for you and what your going through may God shower you with all his many blessings🙏🏼💗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Brie,
      Awh, my sister, I am so sorry that happened this past week. I am praying for a closeness to Jesus that only comes through a broken heart. He is with you and is your strength and refuge! So glad that this touched your heart and I thank you for your encouragement and prayers. Much love, my sister!! ❤

      Like

  3. Melissa,
    Beautiful work as always.
    I have followed your blog for a year or so.
    I have a question, but first here’s the backstory:
    Over the past couple of years I developed strong anxiety. However through friends and prayers and ultimately relying on Jesus I have conquered 90% of it. I feel so much more free. The majority of my anxiety came from lack of control, not knowing the future.
    I was scared of death (though I have Jesus deep in my heart) or the rapture.
    These fears came from worries that the desires of my heart (placed by God) and visions (this is how He speaks to me) and promises of the future would not come true. I know this is irrational, God doesn’t break promises, however the human mind can be irrational at times. At times this fear rears its ugly head, but I’m usually able to push it away.
    I guess my question for you is how are you so sure that Jesus’ return is “soon” (as that has been said for generations from the beginning of time, and signs have been shown for thousands of years) and how long do you believe “soon” to be?
    Thank you for your beautiful words,
    Lex

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lex,
      Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I love hearing that in Christ, the anxiety is continually being conquered! Now, for your two questions: How do we know that His return is soon? I think at the core of this, it must be explained that when we use the term, “soon,” it’s not specifying any certain amount of time. Rather, it’s more describing that we now, in this short and vapor of a life we do not see Jesus, but, in view of the enormous, everlasting time that we will see Him and be with Him, it is relatively soon. This life will soon be over- Jesus will soon return- more of a concept than a specification. Revelation 22:20 says, “He who testifies to these things says, “Surely I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!”
      Jesus Himself says that He is coming, “soon.”
      As for your second question: How long do you believe “soon” to be? Matthew 24:36 states, “But concerning that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only.” No one knows exactly or precisely or even relatively when Jesus will come back. Only God. A little before that verse, in Matthew 24:14, it says that the Gospel will be preached as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come. There are also various events described in Revelation that are known as indicators of the “end times.”
      So, I have no clue. I know that there are still millions of people who have never heard the Gospel, and Scripture clearly states that Jesus will return once it is preached to all peoples. This is why people’s hearts burn to share the Gospel, so the Kingdom of Heaven will come.
      Hope this helps. Let me know if I can explain further.
      Much love!!

      Like

  4. If I had sat down today and wrote in my journal this is exactly what I would have wrote about. I have been struggling with being a little bit of everywhere lately. Not completely finding my footing and not really able to understand the feelings that are overwhelming me. Today, I have literally had every emotion. I have laughed, cried, have been angry, have smiled a lot, and have been so confused and frustrated. I studied abroad this past semester and I relate so much to the being in a foreign country with a different language and not understanding. That is almost how I feel about myself. Ive changed and I am so different and I am learning all over again. But how beautiful and amazing is it that our God goes before us. He makes sense of our paths and He leads us where we need to be led sometimes not where we want. When I am a mess with my emotions, I sometimes find myself smiling thinking how silly of me and how sweet the day it will be when I get to go Home. And these feelings, this unknown, is gone forever!!! Thank you so much for this post. It was great.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awh, thank you so much for sharing your heart!! Yes- I understand where you are coming from girl haha! It is so amazing, like you said, that God goes before us and leads us… thank goodness that we get to look forward to Heaven, our Home! Much love, my friend!!

      Like

  5. This is powerful. As I face the death of a dear friend this week, how I wish she would have read this and beared her soul. I will share and share again. Thank you! Love each other for who we are be your honest, unashamed self. People do love you for you. God is in the middle of your mess and wants you to follow that tangled string to Him.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jennifer,
      Wow, thank you for sharing! That must be so hard; I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, you have such a beautiful heart- I love everything you said. Yes, people do love you for you! Stay close to Jesus, my sister! Much love!

      Like

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