I feel so far from God.
Friends, maybe you have noticed that I haven’t posted in about two weeks. Be assured of this- I am about to explain why. Yet also be assured of this: I will never post a blog when my heart is in the wrong place. I will never post words that are simply words- that’s silly and irrelevant and rather deceiving. Every word that comes in a blog, as I hope you know, is and will be fiercely authentic and deep.. words that I feel. Never empty- even if that means not posting for two weeks.
So in light of that.. here we go.
I feel so far from God. I feel so distant from my Father. And I have for the past week.
I don’t know why. I don’t know what happened, all I know is that, all of a sudden, in a moment, I looked up and around, and realized that I don’t feel the closeness, the intimacy of my Father’s warm embrace.
This troubles me. A lot. It troubles my heart because I love my dear Savior. I don’t want to feel far, but I do.
Hear me when I say this: I don’t think I’m alone in this. If you are feeling distant from God, don’t freak out. Don’t feel like you can’t tell anyone. Don’t feel like it will make you a debbie-downer or a pity case. Don’t feel like it makes you any less of a “Christian” or that you don’t love God enough.
None of that is true.
I have struggled with those feelings this week.
As I have heard my friends gushing about how sweet and wonderful the Lord is, as I have heard them telling of the awesome things He is doing in their lives, as I have listened to sweet praises being sung to Him and hands been lifted high in genuine worship…… it’s been hard.
It’s been hard because I don’t feel like I can add to the conversation. Because quite frankly, my heart is hardened and I feel frustrating and kind of annoyed that I’m feeling the same things.
It’s been hard because I don’t feel like my heart is in the right place to worship and lift my hands.. because it wouldn’t be out of genuine affection.
And friends, I refuse to be fake. The Lord knows where my heart is at. I will not make it seem like I’m in this overjoyed-overwhelmed state of loving my sweet Jesus if I’m not.
And I think the Lord is honored in that. I think that the Lord is utterly repulsed at half-hearted, insincere worship. I think it’s almost luke-warm.
He knows my heart. He knows how I feel. Don’t get me wrong- He is showering me in abundant grace, love, and mercy.. but He deserves the fullness of our hearts and if they aren’t in the right place and I’m still “worshipping,” then obviously it shows that I care more about my “Christian image” to others than actually worshipping the One who saved my soul.
So, that’s where I’m at. Maybe that’s where you’re at. Maybe that’s where you have been: in a place where you feel hopelessly far from your very Father.
If you are, I am so sorry. It’s really, really hard. I get it.
My dear sisters, take heart in this:
It’s not exactly what I wanted to hear, but here we go: We are as close to God as we chose to be. I know, it stings a little. But hear me out, please.
There’s this quote that says something like, “I can’t brag about my love for God because I fail Him on a daily basis. But I can brag about God’s love for me because He never fails me.”
God loves us so much more than we love Him. And if He loves us more than we love Him, yet even we don’t want to leave Him, why would He ever forsake us?
God is literally everywhere, I mean this is the creation the His very hands. His home is our very heart. We can’t escape Him, even if we tried.
We may think we can; we may think we can grow distant and that there is this incredible gap in between us and God.
But it’s against the very nature of who God is. Just because we think we can run, it doesn’t mean we can really run from the presence of our Creator. Just because we think we are distant, it doesn’t mean that we actually are.
Those thoughts, those feelings are not from God. Feelings of distance, feelings of abandonment and forsakenness and separation are from the enemy. Don’t believe them. Don’t give them power over you.
God is singing over you at this very moment. With every breath you take, the Lord is singing sweet lines of love and grace over your very broken and wayward heart. Because guess what? He is still as present as ever. His presence is never distanced; it is never lacking; it is never hard to find.
His presence is always with us, we just need to lean into it.
My heart has been so hard this week because I have felt so far from God. But His gracious, gentle, victorious presence has not lessened nor disappeared.
I have simply not leaned into Him. Because, my friends, our Father delights so much when our hearts incline to Him. He desires time with our precious selves. So He won’t forsake us when we lean into Him, when we lift our hearts to Him.
It’s a beautiful thing that He doesn’t see our hard heart and tell us to come back later.
It’s a beautiful thing that He doesn’t see our hard heart and tell us to fix it ourselves. He doesn’t scold us, saying He deserves more.
Friends, our beautiful God desires for us to come into His presence boldly, with faith that He loves us, with faith that He is here, and to give Him our hard heart. Our distant heart. Our confused, troubled, frustrated heart.
He will come like a rushing wind, surrounding you. He will crash over you like a wave against the rocky shore. He will cover you like a mighty waterfall. Like the blazing sun. Or maybe, in a gentle way. Maybe, His love will quietly seep into the cracks of your hear. Maybe, His presence will rest on you like warm rays of sun.
But be sure of this: He will come. He will remind of who He is, and who you are. And how much He simply adores you.
And one more quick thing: Faith is not comprised of feelings. Friends, faith is much, much more than mere feelings. Your faith in our sweet Jesus is stronger, bolder, and deeper than your feelings of distance.
Faith over feelings.
Sister, you are His precious daughter. You are the heir to His riches. You are the source of His delight. He still loves you so dearly.
Lean into Him. Whether you feel incredibly near to His heart or incredibly far… lean into Him. He hasn’t left you. He hasn’t forsaken you.
He longs to have your heart back in His hands.
He is with you. Closer than you know.
With much, much love. And a lot of a faith in His nearness. –Melissa
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